Sunday, 9 March 2008

I need your advise Journal friends warning very long entry!

This is the last straw, I’m fed up with my boys Dad telling me what to do – I’m not married to him anymore and why the hell should he make me feel guilty. It might seem petty to all of you but I’m gonna show you what I have to put up with and I want, need, your advise as to what I’m going to write to him in an email to let him know how out of order he is!

 

I will just let you into a brief history of when I was married to him. The reason I ended up divorcing him was because he seemed to like telling me what to do. Or he would tell me off when I had done something he didn’t like.  For example, if I got too drunk at a party and was actually enjoying myself! Anyway, when I went through my divorce I had to go to counselling and I remember even then he used to interrogate me and I nearly ended up having a nervous breakdown. Hard to really give you all a picture of loads of stuff that went on years ago. But, basically he annoys me immensely! Anyway, when we were going through out divorce he announces he is going off to live in California, he did, he left his kids and lived there for two years. Now, that’s something I could never ever do, my kids are my world! I also reluctantly let my babies fly out to be with their Dad for three whole weeks!  He even turned it round then to be my fault saying I pushed him into having to go live there! I used to actually start to believe that all these things were my fault. He even told my boys a load of lies about me! I never ever, and have never said anything to my boys about their Dad. After two years he comes back and thinks he can just carry on as he left off – demanding to see the kids at weekends etc. Well I told him he could only see them once a fortnight as I did not want to suddenly lose the weekends with my children altogether.  Anyway, since he has been back he has found little things to pick at me with. 

 

So let’s fill you in on why I’m so annoyed now. My Sam is 14 and my Joe is 12. They are teenagers and I let them do what they like to a certain degree! Of course! But, basically they are good kids and in our house we are fairly laid back and we are happy, very happy!  My ex- husband isn’t very happy in his relationship at the moment and I think that when he is not happy he cant bare me being happy. He has been in 4 relationships since we divorced and I have only been in one – so that says it all really doesn’t it!.  Im going on now and not getting to the point!  Anyway, my Sam and Joe have decided to grow their hair long, I don’t mind coz I like long hair on boys, they are going through this Emo, Goth stage – you know, wearing black and having long hair is cool when you’re a teenager. I have to let them go through it coz that’s me, laid back and hopefully a cool mum! Hee hee! Anyway, I quite like the Goth look! The main thing is they are not out on the streets causing trouble, they are happy and content and have an aim in life. If they want long hair, let them I say!

 

So I get this text message yesterday while the boys are at their Dad’s;

 

Would it be possible to get the boys hair cut before they come down next time. Serena could only do it for them when they had it done with clippers. (Ok, right nothing wrong with that I hear you say. It annoyed me because I don’t like him telling me what to do. He has a wedding to go to the next time boys are down so that is why he wants their hair cut. So in my mind I think, well I’m not bothered at the mo whether it’s cut or not, also I can’t afford it, also I’m not sure if we will have time. His Serena did used to clipper my boys hair, without asking me first! Also, they took it upon themselves to suddenly be in charge of the boys hair so I let them get on with it!) So I texted back.

 

Take them to a barbers today if you can would be best. (Now in this reply Im not being funny or anything just suggesting that it might be best if he took them if he had time, didn’t say I wouldn’t)

 

So his reply was;

 

Don’t know why you cant take them in the next few weeks. I always seem to have to take them. (Unbelievable! I take my boys to school everyday, never think about it, I take my boys out to their friends houses, to their clubs, give them money for extras, love them, play with them, feed them, clothe them, be a mum to them, I do it because I want to, they are my kids. I don’t text him and say it’s not fair! He took it upon himself to suddenly start doing their hair! I never asked him! He went and left his sons for two years, two years they didn’t have a Dad!)

 

So I text back.

 

Well Im not bothered whether they have hair cut or not so if you want it done you get it done! (Well Im angry by this point, he is being so bloody petty!)

 

Then I get this text;

 

Well your sons want to have their hair cut. Don’t know why I should always be the one to take them. So your happy to have them walking around so scuffy. (This is when I lost it and threw my phone nearly damaging it. You see he made me a nervous wreck when we were married and I still have that laying dormant in me, that depression I had and nervousness I had comes to the surface when he has a go at me. I wish it wouldn’t! Anyway, see how he uses ‘your sons’ to mentally get at me as if to say you are their mother and you’re a crap one!  Then when he says why should I always be the one to take them, well I never ever asked him to take them ever! Of course Im not happy to let them walk about scruffy, I don’t think they look scruffy, it’s the look that a lot of the teenagers have at the mo! You see how he tries to make me feel so guilty! He comes over all important like he is always right, so why did he leave them for two years! Grrrr there is a lot more I could say but I don’t want to bore you anymore than I have!)

 

Anyway, then I get a text from my Joe saying ‘How are you Mummy’, I also get a text from Sam saying Hello Mummy hope you are having a good weekend. That made me wonder if  their Dad was moaning about me in front of them as my boys never text me when they are at their Dad’s. Then Joe texted me and says ‘please can we have our hair trimmed mummy?’ Says it all doesn’t it! Once my Joe came back, a few months ago now, really upset as this Serena had slagged me off to my boys, told them I was lazy and because I was at college should get off my arse and do some work! My Joe was so upset about that and has never forgiven her. Apparently their Dad told her off but I just wonder if now this weekend my boys have had to listen to her rant and rave about me not doing their hair.

 

What do I do?

 

Laine xxxxx

24 comments:

louiseb411 said...

He is obviously a very controlling man. As for the haircuts if that is what they really want I suppose go ahead, have a chat with them when they come home. I know it is very hard to rise above these things . Take care louise xx

zoepaul6968 said...

Ok firstly hun,take a really deep breath,let it out slowly,now when I get to this point,I usually make a noise like a woman in labour,so I take a deep breath in....then out with an 'oooooooooh',ok that will clear the brain after a few goes at it,now youre ready to play the game,you see thats what it is ! If he wants the boys' hair cut,fine,stick to your guns and say,'ok mate,you get it done,Im a very busy person and the boys actually like their hair like that.' Always be nice,when in company of others,like your boys,so ask if they had a good time at dads etc...and if they say you were slagged off,just brush it off saying something like...'Well maybe they dont understand what I actually do at college',re-assure your boys you are not hurt,I know you are,but go chew the pillow when theyre not about.You have to show your ex that you are in control,as he likes to control you and sees you as weak,you dont have to be strong,but you can pretend.pretend that anything he says means nothing to you,dont get outwardly angry,it does work,but boy does it take practice,if it helps,imagine your ex is a very important person in the college,someone who will either make you a success or a failure,depending on how much you put up with him,so smile,and whilst doing so,wish that he farted and set light to his boxers.xxxx zoe.

jeadie05 said...

As you say the boys are teenagers ,and after all it is their hair,How do they want to wear it ? if they are happy ,you are happy, the school is happy with the style and as long as it is clean what is the problem ? maybe secretly ,that is all he can find wrong,so he must have a stick to beat you with ,because he still likes to have some control over you ,Talk to the boys ,dont let him get to you ,as he obviously knows he can ..so very sorry you have all this happening ...love Jan xx

debbiewebb4465 said...

Hello luv, lovely to hear from you but not under these circumstances! Sorry to hear you're having this crap with your ex ~ they're a bloody nuisance and why they're our exes! Anyway, to the point. Sounds to me like your boys want long hair, and you clearly don't mind. Every mum everywhere has been thru this, whether it's hair, piercings, tatoos etc etc, the list goes on and on. Also sounds to me like their dad would argue if it was short hair they wanted and he didn't. He's a control freak Laine, over you and the boys and it must stop here. If it doesn't it'll go on and on. You must not let him get his own way over this. Text or email him, tell him outright the boys are old enough to decide on their own hair styles (after all they will grow out of it eventually) and that you, as their mother, and main carer are happy about this. Take them for a trim by all means ~ either one of you ~ that's irrelevant who takes them really. Just his way of making another bloody fuss for you to worry about. Kaylee (14) goes to the hairdressers on her own. As long as it's tidy and, more importantly, they're happy with it it's a fuss he's making just to get at you, and luv, I'm sorry to say it's working! Take care, email me if you want a chat, I'm still here! Lotsa love Deb xxxx

gillandroyston said...

Hi perhaps their Dad could ask them how they would really like their hair and impress upon them it is their decision and he will respect that. Sounds like he is the one wanting them to have their hair cut as hE WANTS THEM TO LOOK SMART !. I know it is hard but take a deep breath as it seems he wants to annoy you and get under your skin, try not to show him your anger X Take care hun love Gill x

sarajanesmiles said...

Give me his address... I will pop round and kick him... I will!!!
:o)
This man has no say in your life anymore.
Make this not about him and what he says or thinks.
When your boys get home, ask them if they want their hair cut, be light and breezy and not at all bothered either way.  If they do want a trim, take them for a trim.  Not because HE says so, but because that's what they want.
It sounds to me as though he likes to get to you through the kids.
Don't let him.
Rise above it.
You are better than that.

I just read Zoe's comment... I like that... I'm going to copy and paste it and steal it for my own ;o)  That's what I was trying to say, though I didn't say it nearly as well as she did.  

You're a wonderful Mum.
((((( )))))

Sara   xxx


sandiej21 said...

replied to you via email hun.......... agree with what everybody has said, we can't all be wrong now can we?, so remember that next time he is trying to get to you and say I'm a good mum and good person and won't rise to his bait!!! he is not in control of your life if he sees this then he will crawl back in to the hole he came out from ............... Good luck xx

zoepaul6968 said...

hi hun,pop over to my blog for some tips toodles xxxxxxxxxxx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/zoepaul6968/domestic-chaos/

ally123130585918 said...

Laine have just read the other comments and I couldn't agree more with the advice from Zoe ~ Ally x

sdrogerson said...

the worst thing  you can do is respond.
the hardest thing to do is not to respond.
best answer to his first text.
is "ok"
and end the conversation and then carry on as normal.
Don't let yur buttons be pushed.

egre328 said...

Laine, this is ALL about control.  The thing I would do would be to sit the boys down and ask them what they want...........if they want their hair cut, fine, if they don't, then equally fine.  I would then text back to my ex explaining that he was no longer in a position to tell me what to do and I would do what I thought was best for my boys and more importantly what THEY wanted and I would hope that he would treat them exactly the same when they are with him.  They are young men now, not little boys.   Try to explain to them that you don't want them to feel that they are in the middle of a battle zone, because their wants and needs are paramount to you.  Try and stay cool (I know it's hard given the ex's personality), but don't let him think that he has rattled you. I would then give my boys the biggest hugs and cuddles and tell them how much I love them!  Eileenx  PS I will then nip down with Sara and duff him up.......how's that?

madcobug said...

Sounds as if you should tell him to ask the children what they want and if they want their haircut then by all means take them and get it cut. Helen

rcfairy said...

I think when your boys get back you should say to them that their dad has made comments about their hairstyle - and let them know that you actually like it as it is and think that it suits them.  Ask them if they like their hair as it is or if they want it cut, and if so, what style do they want it cut in.  If they want it cut then either give them the money to take themselves to the hairdressers after school or tell them to ask their dad for the money (and to transport them) as you're a bit short of spare dosh, and haircuts aren't cheap.  You could also tell them that they are old enough to decide themselves about personal trivia like hairstyle and that their dad's newest squeeze has no right to any say whatsoever in anything to do with them.
Stuart is right imo, you shouldn't respond to your ex's barbs at all.  Let him rant but delete unread.  
BTW, I think you should stop trying to maintain any mythology about their dad.  I don't mean tell them the worst, but stop pretending he's anything other than he is.
Last of all, you just have to accept that your ex is a twat and stop analysing your relationship with him  :O)

nightmaremom said...

talk to the boys when they get home... see what they want.  'Daddy' may have said some things to make them change their mind....   talk to them Laine and see..  your x sounds like a control freak and no doubt is doing it to the boys now.  Please don't let him get to you
hugs
d

aniracj said...

Lainey, I will email you with what I think.....it will be easier!!! All I will say here is, next time he tries to start a texting argument just ignore the urge to react as that is what he wants, just stay calm and think long and hard before you send a reply. Speak to you in a bit. Love Joan

brainwhispers said...

Whats wrong with being scruffy anyway?
Scruffy is good.
I have scruffy fluffy big hair at the moment...and holes in my jammies...and socks...and fave pants.
I like being scruffy.

I have no answer to your problem. You could always try baking him a cake as a peace offering....a cake made with bogeys and phlegm.
:O)

Phlegm :o)
Giggle

labdancer51 said...

It sounds to me as if your ex is using the hair issue as a stick to hit you with Laine. As for his Serena, it`s none of her business. Perhaps you could mention to him that asking the boys what THEY want is the most important thing.

Love Sandra xxxx

slredbird said...

laney he is just trying to get to you, but dont let him, you finally got out from under his control.. dont  let him dictate anything in your life, Ignore him and his precious serinna, just continue loving and caring for your boys and sooner or later them boys of yours will love you more and more every day , they will see what you have done for them and will come to realize who was there for them and in the end you will be the happier and more satisfied parent, the ex is only hurting himself and he will probably die a lonely old miserable person

acoward15 said...

They sound like perfectly well adjusted normal kids. Although I would never claim to be an expert on such matters, I would ask the boys how they want their hair and go with that. If he wants to put pressure on them to get it cut he will only end up making himself the bad guy in his kids' eyes.

Children a pretty perceptive. They will work it all out in the end. You just keep a happy home and everything will fall into place.

jmoqueen said...

Fight back Lainey xx  Be stronger than he expect's you to be.  You have to show him that you can play just as dirty as he can!!  If the boy's want their hair trimmed then that is up to the boy's not their mum or their dad.  He shouldn't play mind games with you ~ I hate it when people do that, my ex was a bit like that grrrrr............

Jenny

http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife

gaboatman said...

Laine
I'd text him back telling him that if the boys really want their hair cut they can tell you in person when they get home and that you will decide then if and when they will have haircuts.  By doing this you have asserted your authority without telling hime off and you have given him the message that the boys hair is for you to worry about, not some absentee Dad.  Good luck with this one!
Sam

mtrib2 said...

I think your boys are doing excellently under your care and feel loved.   It is ridiculous that she is telling you to get a job instead of going to college.    I would not pay any attention to her at all.   The father has not been in the boys lives so you are the one they know best.    Do they tell you that cutting their hair is something they want to do?    I haven't been sitting at the computer much and spend my time lying on the board/cushion I have reading for many hours.    I will have spinal surgery on April 3 to my lumbar spine.   The bone is completely pinching off the spinal cord and will be removed to allow room for the spinal cord.    I hope he does not have to remove the disk at L4 also and fuse the spine but if so that is a low area of the spine that does not bend much.   The surgeon told me eventually I will be unable to walk without this surgery.    Sitting on this stool at the computer is painfull for me so I have not been active in the journals.   I need to get things ready before surgery with arrangements to have my dog looked after and I won't be able to drive for awhile.    mark

mtrib2 said...

I think your boys are doing excellently under your care and feel loved.   It is ridiculous that she is telling you to get a job instead of going to college.    I would not pay any attention to her at all.   The father has not been in the boys lives so you are the one they know best.    Do they tell you that cutting their hair is something they want to do?    I haven't been sitting at the computer much and spend my time lying on the board/cushion I have reading for many hours.    I will have spinal surgery on April 3 to my lumbar spine.   The bone is completely pinching off the spinal cord and will be removed to allow room for the spinal cord.    I hope he does not have to remove the disk at L4 also and fuse the spine but if so that is a low area of the spine that does not bend much.   The surgeon told me eventually I will be unable to walk without this surgery.    Sitting on this stool at the computer is painfull for me so I have not been active in the journals.   I need to get things ready before surgery with arrangements to have my dog looked after and I won't be able to drive for awhile.    mark

sexymids1 said...

Hya hun,  like you i am divorced and got 2 lads 14 nd 11, and like yours mine have grown thier hair, i have even dyed my eldests hair black. my x says cant i cut it.... the answer is yes i can.... question is do the boys want it cut?..... answer NOOOOOOOOOOOO. tell ur ex when the boys ask you with out any pressure that they want there hair trimmed then you will get it done. ffs it's only hair and they are finding there own indivigualty (canna spell im dyslexic) sorry. Laine you do what u think is best for your boys, they have all your love nd time nd they will work out what he is like nd his partner.... mine have lol.
All i would say dont get hair cut if the boys dont want it.
You take care hun love ree xx