Sunday, 11 November 2007

End of the weekend

End of the weekend and I feel like I've wasted it. Spoilt it - been moody all weekend!

I don't think John understands me - I think he is very pissed off with me! That just makes me worse. I think 'oh well, go and be pissed off with me then, see if I care'! See that's how I'm thinking! Not good is it! Now I feel lost and empty coz he has gone to take Christopher home - he will be gone a good 4 hours now as he will pop in and see his Mum and Dad - no doubt to moan about me.  I get this paranoia thing that everyone is moaning about me and I think ' let them!' I dont care! I really don't! Thats not like me is it?

When I got up this morning John was already in the boys room chatting to them about decorating their bedroom - I looked in on them and then walked out again. None of them stopped to speak to me - John said later that I had a face like thunder - I said No I didnt its just I couldnt see.  I told John I felt left out - he always doing stuff and talking with the boys.  He said it's all in my head. I dont think it is!

John and I had a lovely walk this afternoon along Hastings Seafront - we had an ice cream and sat down and watch the sun go down. It should have been nice - well it was sort of but I was really quiet - I didnt speak much at all - poor John trying to make conversation and I really didnt want to bother answering!

Now I feel bad. I feel really sad.

Earlier today John announced he was going for a walk with the boys- I was eating my lunch so I couldnt go - so when they had gone out of the door I cried! I sat there and cried and then didnt eat my lunch. I wanted to go with them! I wanted to be asked! But then I probably wouldnt have gone - you see how mad is that!

When John goes out to play football with the boys - I watch them and I get cross with John - I feel like he is rubbing it in but he isnt he is just playing with them. I feel like an outsider looking in. I dont feel like I belong - they all want John - they all do boys things - Im left out! But its all my own fault. Now the way I'm acting just makes it worse doesnt it - I'm making John cross with me.

Earlier today John cuddled me and said to me 'poor you, you have a troubled head'. So he does sympathise for a little bit!

Thank you so much for all  your kind thoughts - I think Im just having a mid-life crisis or something - I did come on today so there you go - its probably hormones! I've got so much to be thankful for, I've got a lovely man who loves me, lovely kids, a lovely dog, a lovely house - a job, friends and a beautiful place to live.  So why am I so bloody depressed!!!

Lainey xxxxxxxxx


cherry2sweet2eat said...

maybe you are overreacting its "boys time" but he should make time where it is "family time" and not all about them and only then they should include you sometimes.

jeadie05 said...

Poor Laine ,we have all been there ,(((((((((((hugs ))))))))))))) Jan xx

egre328 said...

Oh, Laine we have all been there and felt just the way you do.  Next time.......take a deep breath and say "hey guys, I'm coming with you!"  (even if you don't really want to).   There is nothing worse than feeling left out, even when it is unintentional.  Chin up.   Eileenx

sarajanesmiles said...

Lainey Laine... ((((( for you )))))

Hormones are stinky... I've had this conversation with my Lyzzie this week.  Whatever it is that is bothering you, hormones won't be helping, that's for sure.  I do sympathise hon.  

I think that your John is probably worried about you, rather than cross with you.

Sara Sara   xxx

aniracj said...

Hi Laine, I used to be like that with an ex; I got very jealous of the time he spent with his kids and he had no time for mine or me when they were around. He does love you, you know that and men do things with their kids when they see them so take deep breaths and tell yourself that the rest of the time he is with you. Could you be suffering with S.A.D?

madcobug said...

You might help to go see a Dr. It could be hormones or you might need some meds for depression. Hope you feel better soon. Helen

jmoqueen said...

No way don't do that!!  There is nothing worse than a woman putting her moods down to hormones.  I hate it!!  Everytime I tell my mate I'm in a bad mood or something I just know that's what she's gonna say.....ugh I'm making myself angry now just typing it'll be fine lainey, it's just a blip in your life........((((((((((hugs)))))))))))


inafrnz247 said...

I get so angry with myself when I allow depression to set in...  When it doesn't seem right, to feel the way we do, it just makes it that much harder to come out of it.  

But your feelings and emotions are real and you deserve to be listened to.  I hope you will seek out help - either from a doctor or a friend or someone who can offer support and comfort.  YOU deserve to be happy.  You may in fact benefit from medication (something I myself am considering, to help me through my own moments of sadness, anger and feelings of unworthiness) and I hope you will keep your mind open to that possibility.  

I'm glad you are writing, as doing so will help alleviate the build up of emotions and give you a way to express what you're feeling inside.  Stay strong.


sdrogerson said...

you do know what this is?
I recognise all the symptoms.
I do understand.
Time to go see the man

sarajanesmiles said...

How's today?
Thinking of you.
((((( )))))
Sara Sara   xxx