End of the weekend and I feel like I've wasted it. Spoilt it - been moody all weekend!
I don't think John understands me - I think he is very pissed off with me! That just makes me worse. I think 'oh well, go and be pissed off with me then, see if I care'! See that's how I'm thinking! Not good is it! Now I feel lost and empty coz he has gone to take Christopher home - he will be gone a good 4 hours now as he will pop in and see his Mum and Dad - no doubt to moan about me. I get this paranoia thing that everyone is moaning about me and I think ' let them!' I dont care! I really don't! Thats not like me is it?
When I got up this morning John was already in the boys room chatting to them about decorating their bedroom - I looked in on them and then walked out again. None of them stopped to speak to me - John said later that I had a face like thunder - I said No I didnt its just I couldnt see. I told John I felt left out - he always doing stuff and talking with the boys. He said it's all in my head. I dont think it is!
John and I had a lovely walk this afternoon along Hastings Seafront - we had an ice cream and sat down and watch the sun go down. It should have been nice - well it was sort of but I was really quiet - I didnt speak much at all - poor John trying to make conversation and I really didnt want to bother answering!
Now I feel bad. I feel really sad.
Earlier today John announced he was going for a walk with the boys- I was eating my lunch so I couldnt go - so when they had gone out of the door I cried! I sat there and cried and then didnt eat my lunch. I wanted to go with them! I wanted to be asked! But then I probably wouldnt have gone - you see how mad is that!
When John goes out to play football with the boys - I watch them and I get cross with John - I feel like he is rubbing it in but he isnt he is just playing with them. I feel like an outsider looking in. I dont feel like I belong - they all want John - they all do boys things - Im left out! But its all my own fault. Now the way I'm acting just makes it worse doesnt it - I'm making John cross with me.
Earlier today John cuddled me and said to me 'poor you, you have a troubled head'. So he does sympathise for a little bit!
Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts - I think Im just having a mid-life crisis or something - I did come on today so there you go - its probably hormones! I've got so much to be thankful for, I've got a lovely man who loves me, lovely kids, a lovely dog, a lovely house - a job, friends and a beautiful place to live. So why am I so bloody depressed!!!