Im hello

Here I am again! I am still alive. Sorry my journal friends - not been very good lately.

A couple of weeks ago I asked my boss if I will still be in a job after Christmas because my contract runs our in December. I also asked if he would be able to give me extra hours.  He raised his eyebrows and looked into the air and said why didnt I come to him sooner he had just employed more people.  He didnt think I was interested in the job anymore!! Well I told him that I felt like he was disappointed with me because I couldnt do that job in the afternoons - the one with the unruly kids and the most challenging child in the school.  I was new and the teacher was new and we were left in a horrible situation.  He said that he had hoped I was strong enough to deal with it.  But, he said he wasnt disappointed or cross with me.  But, he said I should have explained to him sooner that I was interested in more work! Hmmmph!! He has known me for 6 years and known I have always in that time wanted to be a teacher! Also I have done my morning job superbly - even if I say so myself!

Anyway, they have now run out of funding for my job. They haven not even received the money for what I have done already.  The do not know if they will get anymore funding at all after Christmas. So they advised me to look for another job to be on the safe side. I feel like they have just forgotten about me - there is now no positions available they are fully staffed. It could be that the boys I work with could get statements then there would be funding but they dont know when that will be.  The teachers I work with are really sad, Im really sad!! I know its been tough for me there but I am starting to get stronger now! Typical!

Anyway, I went to the holiday park yesterday where I used to work.  My old boss was there and my friends. I burst into tears. They gave me coffee and hugs! I've now got my old job back!! Hee hee a cleaner with a degree but at least my hoover wont answer back! Im feeling really wierd at the moment - my plans are not going to plan!

Laine xxx

Dee

I went to see my Nurse Practioner today called Dee - she is lovely - I likes her.

Anyway, she tested me and talked to me and stuff and she said the good news is that I'm not suffering from depression. I am suffering from anxiety and she said if that isnt dealt with then I could get depression.  She said it is very common to suffer from a form of depression when you finish a degree for about up to 6 months after it. Stuart said that to me too! :o)  Anyways, she has recommended natural remedies rather than put me on anti-depressants - if I don't feel any better or get worse then I should go back to her.

She said that I should talk to my family - all of them - kids too and tell them how I feel sometimes and remind them that Mummy needs to be noticed and not take for granted. She said that I'm lacking self-worth and thats common for someone who has been through what I am going through. Like finishing a degree, moving on, new job etc.  She said I should find 'me' time - like swimming, walking - stuff that makes happy stuff in my brain! She said that it should be totally time away from the kids and stresses of life etc. So I'm gonna make sure I go swimming once a week with my friends like I used to. :o)

I really liked talking to her - it felt like I'd popped a big balloon and it all came out - I didn't even cry like I thought I would.  She said that I should ask my boss for appraisals and know if I'm doing a good job - she said that I need to be praised to build my confidence up :o) - and she thinks I'm being hard on myself and expecting too much to soon. She said I should start to feel betterer in a few months if I learn to relax and stop worrying!  She gave me two little books to read - one about stress and one about exercise to a healthy life.  I did feel better after talking to her. I wanted to hug her!

Laine xxxx

What shall I do?

Hmmph!

I'm not in a good place again - my mind is all over the place - I feel anxious inside and I want to scream out loud - I'm not like really really down or really even sad - I just feel confused and anxious - thats the only way I can describe it.

Had long chat with John today - he said I should give up the school if it's making me ill - it's what I've wanted for a long time - to work in a school and eventually become a teacher - but I'm not sure I'm strong enough - not at the moment - my nerves are bad - really bad - oooh had feeling of de ja vue then! I'm now feeling its so right to talk to the Nurse Practioner tomorrow - the Doctor isnt there so they put me with her - at least I'm still going! And at least I will be talking to a professional person.  She helped me last year with a lot of that women's stuff - so I'm pleased it will be her.

Don't think I should write anymore of my thoughts down now - well all I want to say is that the boy I work with who is autistic this morning went mad - and I didnt deal with it very well at all - the teacher was watching and I felt like I failed him and her. So probably why I'm feeling anxious and wierd now.  Thing is will I ever be strong enough or have the knowledge to know how to deal with children like him? I really don't know what to do when he gets angry with me. :0(

Anyways, I'm going to get help.

Love Laine xxx

What do you all make of this

I got this comment posted on Myspace today - Obviously Im not Margaret - but think I might be going to www.3cash4.com and earn meself some money - what do ya think? LOL !!!

P.S. Notice I think of you Stuart and I make a bigger font - not like that Sara!! Hmmmph xxxx

###########

Hey Margaret sorry about that I must have given you the wrong one.
That's funny because I tried that one a while ago too, the one I gave you,
and it made me all mad because they sucked real bad, and they didn't pay too
good either they offered like sweepstakes and stuff instead of cash.
But anyways, the right site is www.3cash4.com , it's the one I am making $650 a week with putting in about 23 hours
a week, sometimes up to like 30 hours if I'm daydreaming.
After you get your membership make sure you sign up with the companies on page
one in the members section because they are the ones that pay you the most,
I got $75 for one that took me 25 minutes today. You'll see what I'm talking
about when you get in there.
Jackie started taking them too and she's making $800 a week, it's making me
so mad because I'm the one that showed her which one to sign up with now she's
making more than me.
Alright well me and Andrea are getting ready to leave now, just give me a call
or I'll catch you on here and let me know if you have any problems with your
membership. TTYS hun

Riff raff

They let any old duffer in these days

Yay Stuart! Stuart is in the house!!! xxx

ng wBorrowed, not stolen...

Good evening all of the people that read Lainey's journal.  I am here to let you know that I have stolen it.  That's right.  Lainey's journal now belongs to me.  I am Sara, by the way.  Hello :o)

I'm lying.  I didn't really steal it.  I just borrowed it for this one entry.  I will put it back where I found it when I have finished.  I promise.

Waves at everybuddy, hello you, and you, and yooouuu.  You look different from here.  How strange.  Mr Brainwhispers... your hair looks all sticky uppy, it never looks that way from my journal.  Stuart... what are you wearing?  You look more like a warrior dwarf than a hobbit :o)  Lainey... is that a bar of Galaxy?  Can I have a bite?  Mmm, yumbly :o)

I have finished.
Wipes of smudgy Galaxy fingerprints and puts it back.

How did you know I was eating Galaxy Sara Sara!!! hmmmph xxxxx Hee hee we can write the same entry! How cool is that! Love Lainey Laine xxxx

I could smell it m'dear.  I have special "smelling out Galaxy" powers.  Did you not know that?  Oh, and don't be hmmmphing at me ;o)
xxxxx

OOPS sorry Sara wasn't really hmmmmphing at you! I loves you! I didnt even see you do another entry right in front of my eyes! The galaxy is now back in the cupboard! ;0) xxxxxx

That's what you think ;o)
xxxxxxx

You ate some! You ate some you did!! xxxxxxxx

Ate some?  I ate it all.  Smiles, then pats her happy belly :o)  xxxxxxxxx

I nearly did something then - it starts with h and ends with g! But, I won't do it! I'll let you have the satisfaction of eating all my Galaxy coz it made your belly happy! :0)

You be careful with that thing that starts with h and ends with g m'dear.  Unless... did you mean hmmmphing?  Oh, well that's ok then ;o)

LOL! Now the one you were thinking of hun is a doing word! I was saying a describing word. xxxxx

A doing word?  ???  I'm glad that you were saying a describing word and not a doing word.  I was nearly quite shocked.  I was ;o)  xxxxx

Did the doing word at the weekend hun ;o)

I just did the describing word.

What on your own hunni???

The describing word... the DESCRIBING word!! 

OOOOH Yeah sorry hun. You can do the DOING word at the weekend, hee hee. whoops my mistake!

:o)

Doctors

Hello everyone,

Once again, thanks for all your comments and I'm so sorry I havent been to visit you!

I have made an appointment to see the Doctor on Wednesday this week at 2.15pm. It's been bothering me how I felt last weekend - it was bad last week and I don't want to feel like that again. It scares me. This weekend was really good just me and John but there were occassions where I nearly blew it and got tetchy over silly things. Why am I doing that?

I also went to see my boss today, the headteacher, at school.  He said I should have come and seen him ages ago. I was worried that since I gave up afternoons he didnt feel I was up to the job. He said that he thought I had lost interest so that's why he hadnt offered me anymore work. Anyway, he knows now that I am willing to stay on at the school and do more hours. He isnt cross with me! So thats good.

Laine xxxx

Whoops sorry - that wasn't a silly entry was it!

bleh!

wierd

My last entry gone a bit wierd I think! The font gone silly. oh well x

Being too boring

I'm not going to be boring anymore - just visited my Sara in herspace and she says that she should be silly again - yay I'm up for that Sara! I've decided that I'm gonna get silly too! And her man, Chris, he made a fantastically funny comment on my journal yesterday that cheered me up no end!!! LOL I put it underneath here so you can all see it! Not everyone will find it funny but I did!  Anyways, its silliness from now on - it is! NO more moaning and being depressed!! I had a lovely weekend - just John and I! I met an old friend on the train on the way up! Brilliant to catch up with her and I'm gonna make sure we keep in touch! Also I took John to the Natural History Museum and he had never ever been! Can you believe that! Well not everyone has been have they but I have loads! I loves the dinosaurs! Scary they are! John loved them too!

 

Its anti-bullying week this week - so all you bullies beware!!!! grrrrr

 

 

 

"I think your are a little under the weather from eating infected crisps.
I saw on the news about some Bacon crisps that were infected with alien DNA and it gives you sore itchy blisters around your bumhole and makes you feel depressed and tired and stuff. Then 15 months later an alien worm crawls out of your bellybutton and will mate with your John.
Its true!
:o)"
 That's an alien smiley that is.

Tags: anti-bullying week

you are all so kind

I do feel a bit better today.

Thank you for all your support. Michelle your right - being able to write down my feelings is good and helps. My Mr Stuart, I do know what it is but I'm scared of admitting anything is wrong - I just find it hard to pick up the phone and make an appointment to see that Doctor - I'm scared Stuart! How silly is that!

I did have a long chat with John today - we went out to lunch. It really helped talking to him.  He said that we have got into a rut and he has felt down lately too. He is right, we used to go out and about and do so  much. But, just lately I can't be bothered - I'd sooner just stay in - it takes me ages to get up in the morning and then I can't be bothered to get dressed til after lunch! So yes Stuart your right I do have to go see him - but I keep coming up with buts!

You see today I go back to school and Im Mrs happy smiley Mrs Sayers again - and it does lift me to be with the kids - but is it just a mask - the people I work with think Im such a happy bubbly person - they dont see me at the weekend! And, why is it that when we are in a mood with our families we meet a complete stranger and then we are all happy and polite! That's strange!

Right my task for this week is to pluck up the courage to phone the Doctor - trouble is I have never ever even met my Doctor! I wonder if I could see the nurse instead - I know her - I likes her - could talk to her. Hmmmmm. Someone needs to sort my head out! LOL.

Sara Sara I loves you!

Lainey xxxxx

Tags: friendship

End of the weekend

End of the weekend and I feel like I've wasted it. Spoilt it - been moody all weekend!

I don't think John understands me - I think he is very pissed off with me! That just makes me worse. I think 'oh well, go and be pissed off with me then, see if I care'! See that's how I'm thinking! Not good is it! Now I feel lost and empty coz he has gone to take Christopher home - he will be gone a good 4 hours now as he will pop in and see his Mum and Dad - no doubt to moan about me.  I get this paranoia thing that everyone is moaning about me and I think ' let them!' I dont care! I really don't! Thats not like me is it?

When I got up this morning John was already in the boys room chatting to them about decorating their bedroom - I looked in on them and then walked out again. None of them stopped to speak to me - John said later that I had a face like thunder - I said No I didnt its just I couldnt see.  I told John I felt left out - he always doing stuff and talking with the boys.  He said it's all in my head. I dont think it is!

John and I had a lovely walk this afternoon along Hastings Seafront - we had an ice cream and sat down and watch the sun go down. It should have been nice - well it was sort of but I was really quiet - I didnt speak much at all - poor John trying to make conversation and I really didnt want to bother answering!

Now I feel bad. I feel really sad.

Earlier today John announced he was going for a walk with the boys- I was eating my lunch so I couldnt go - so when they had gone out of the door I cried! I sat there and cried and then didnt eat my lunch. I wanted to go with them! I wanted to be asked! But then I probably wouldnt have gone - you see how mad is that!

When John goes out to play football with the boys - I watch them and I get cross with John - I feel like he is rubbing it in but he isnt he is just playing with them. I feel like an outsider looking in. I dont feel like I belong - they all want John - they all do boys things - Im left out! But its all my own fault. Now the way I'm acting just makes it worse doesnt it - I'm making John cross with me.

Earlier today John cuddled me and said to me 'poor you, you have a troubled head'. So he does sympathise for a little bit!

Thank you so much for all  your kind thoughts - I think Im just having a mid-life crisis or something - I did come on today so there you go - its probably hormones! I've got so much to be thankful for, I've got a lovely man who loves me, lovely kids, a lovely dog, a lovely house - a job, friends and a beautiful place to live.  So why am I so bloody depressed!!!

Lainey xxxxxxxxx

Wierd

How wierd.

How can I feel so up and happy one day and then yesterday and today I feel so down. Nobody understands - everyone thinks I'm doing it on purpose - I keep trying to think of excuses for being down and when they come out of my mouth they sound pathetic then noone has any sympathy! I don't blame them coz to them I just seem a moody cow. I'm so sad inside and I don't know why - I hate feeling like this - I don't want to be like this. I try to snap out of it and I usually do as the day goes on. How wierd! I keep feeling left out - all the boys together and me the only girl. I feel lonely even though all my family are here. What is missing? What do I want? I havent got a clue!

I get really angry quick - like when I can't open a tin and I throw it down and get all angry - there is like so much anger to come out - then it all disappears! How wierd and I look pathetic too. Noone understands me at the moment - I dont even understand myself - I think I'm going mad! I think I need help coz I'm so so sad.

Laine xxxx

English Literature

How good is English Literature! I love it! Today in English we had a discussion about the Handmaid's Tale - it was so interesting, so ermmmmm soooo ermm oooh can't think of the words coz I'm all happy and interested and excited!  This is the first time I've ever done English Literature! Now I can't wait to read the next book!  First of all though I've got to write an essay about The Handmaid's Tale.  It means studying the book and picking out bits that interest me - bits I'm intrigued by or a character I'm really interested in. Why oh why didnt I study English Literature a long time ago - why am I only discovering it now?   My schooling was not good - I never ever ever read any Shakespeare! The school was rubbish! I did read the Mayor of Casterbridge - I remember that and we did read John Steinbeck novels. I remember how I loved it then - but I never really was given the chance to study it further.  Now I can!  My John is a bit fed up with me studying - he wants me to really start earning some money now - I know he does and its frustrating for him that I'm only working mornings at the moment so the money isnt good and I put us into alot of debt by studying the past 5 years.  But, I really don't ever want to stop studying! I think to be a good teacher I need to soak up lots of knowledge!  One day I will be working more hours and earning more money but I never ever want to be so so busy I can't study or read a book! I don't think I would like that.  I feel different today - it's wierd - but its a good wierd. Am I making sense?

Laine xxxxxxxx

The spooks didnt get me

So sorry I left you at Halloween didnt I! Well the spooks didnt get me and Im alright! Im not a very good journal person these days - I feel bad about that. I want to be able to do it all! And I can't. I likes my journal peeps and I dont forget you - Im just busy all the time! I will make a point of looking at your journals at the weekend. Remind me Sara Sara!

Work is better these days - even though the children are hard work - I know that I love them - they know I love them too.  I'm on their side and we have fun sometimes. I'm not gonna be a strict Mrs Sayers all the time - that doesnt work - children need love dont they - we all do.  But, they know that I can be cross too - see my cross face! Still Im much happier - something is working!

I've started my English Literature GCSE and also my Science GCSE! That's me I love studying dont I!

For English I'm reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Attwood - it's really different and it's really engaging. I'm enjoying it so that's half the battle. I've got to write an essay about it by Christmas and as I'm late starting to the class I'm a bit behind but I'll catch up hopefully. The next book is Othello - looking forward to that - I will go all Shakespeare on you - yes I will shalt thy! I never did Shakespeare at school - I missed out there! It's going to be the first time I have ever read Shakespeare!

Anyway, I'm off again with a bang - coz fireworks still going on! I will be in touch.  I do have so much to tell you but I just can't be bothered to type it all - I'm sending you my thoughts - concentrate - right now you know!

Love Laine xxx